I've been waiting for weeks to write this blog entry. Sometimes it seems like my family can't catch a break. During Calvin's CHOP hospital stay, last fall, my Crohn's disease steadily made its presence more known. Even before the seizure I knew that I was within the window of time that I could expect to need a bowel resection. During the hospital stay I came to realize that the sooner the better. So I had the resection a month and a half after returning home. At the same time my wife discovered a malignant melanoma. She nearly canceled her dermatology appointment because of the difficulty of getting there when CHOP felt like our permanent residence. The dermatologist didn't think it was anything, but malignant it turned out to be. After having the area excised it was difficult waiting for the pathology report. Waiting really sucks, but it was good news. The edges were clean! It was stage one and hadn't spread.
Fast forward 6 months and a lymph node in her armpit is extremely swollen. She reported it being sore beforehand, but it seemed to have multiplied in size overnight. It was a couple weeks before she could be seen by student health and then another week before she could be seen by the surgeon. Waiting is miserable. For someone who already deals with enough anxiety in my life these few weeks were especially bad. Some of the signs should have been reassuring to us. Cancer generally doesn't get so big so fast and Dawn's labwork looked great. It is her family history, however, that is so frightening. Her mother is one of 5 girls, 4 of whom have had this particular type of cancer. Her youngest sister died from it. She had a melanoma removed from her leg and was told the edges were clean. Six months later a lymph node in her groin was noticeably swollen and shortly after that she passed. The similarities were frightening.
One week ago today we met Dawn's surgeon (I guess it's more accurage to say that I met her and she became reacquainted with Dawn, having not recognized her from doing anesthesia in her operating room). She was great, however, she wanted to put Dawn on the surgical schedule for the 22. That was a day short of 2 weeks from the appointment. If we were going to wait that long I thought I would lose my shit. I really did. Somehow Dawn got on the schedule for the next day. Surgery went well and the goofiest resident I have ever met came to tell me that "cyst-like fluid came out." I've never been so happy about a cyst before. I felt like so much anxiety lifted that immediately a 2 day headache set in. I wanted to share the good news immediately, but thought I should wait until we have official pathology reports. As of yesterday we have those reports. Good news, it was a benign cyst!
It feels hard to concentrate on this experience given the events of yesterday in Boston. I am so glad that my cousins are ok, but I've been reading about the Richard family. Father was running in the marathon, 8 year old son died from the blast, daughter lost a leg, and wife suffered a brain injury. I hurt for their family and so many others, but I realize my family has, in fact, caught a break.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Bully
Today I watched Bully. I wanted to see it in the theatre when it was first released, but with a toddler going out to the movies is something that just doesn't happen anymore. Going into it I was expecting to watch this documentary from a teacher and activist perspective. After all, I spent much of the 2011-2012 school year visiting Brattleboro schools, talking and exchanging emails with teachers about LGBT issues in school. Instead, I watched the movie as a parent. And I cried throughout, not just cried, I sobbed.
In one exchange our hero, Alex, is sitting in the office of an administrator who promises to do something about the bullying that he is experiencing on the bus. She asks him if he believes that she will do something. IT IS A LOADED QUESTION. She doesn't want to know what he really thinks. She prompts him with other questions until she gets the answer she wants. It's one of the worst examples of an administrator not listening to a student. As I watched the interaction I realized how commonplace conversations like this are. It made me realize how I can't wait for my kid to start talking, so I can listen.
A few weeks ago I wrote a post on a parenting forum defending public schools. As I watched Bully I wasn't at all surprised by actions and attitudes of the administrators, but saddened. I realized what conflicting and contradictory opinions I hold. On the one hand I absolutely know that everything this movie shows is only the tip of the iceberg. On the other, I believe in free public education. I believe that all children deserve a "free and appropriate" education. I believe that public schools are the places where neighborhoods coalesce, where children learn how to interact with people different from themselves, where communities unite. I'm still working out how to sit with these conflicting ideas.
In early 2010 I was substituting for a high school teacher. I was actually in the middle of a long term sub job at an elementary school, but being short subs that day I was pulled to the high school. Maybe it was for a reason. It just happened to be diversity day. Along with about 100 high school teachers and maybe 15 or so staff I watched a presentation that included a great deal of audience participation. The topic was bullying and the question was put to the students of how to stop it. Many of the students' comments echoed the sentiment that bullied children need to learn to stand up for themselves (this theme was echoed in the movie by a child's parent). It was nerve wracking, but I stood up in front of all these teenagers and adults, basically a stranger to everyone, and said the following:
Imagine an abused kid. Someone who's parents don't support them, don't tell them they love them, don't make them feel important. Someone who is basically taught that they are worthless from the people who are supposed to love them the most. Imagine the lessons that this kid has learned at home. Now imagine this kid out in the world. How are they supposed to stand up for themselves? It's easier to do when you believe that you are loved and important. What about someone who never learned that? And the thing is that these kids are frequently the target. It's exactly because of the differences in that kid's life that they are targeted for bullying."
This story is anti-climactic. After I said my piece I sat down, nervous and sweating. There was a pause before the next person spoke, but the assembly went on. I don't remember much more of it, but I hope that something I did that day made a difference. Perhaps I expanded a few kids' minds that day. I hope so. I'm going to go hug my own kid now.
In one exchange our hero, Alex, is sitting in the office of an administrator who promises to do something about the bullying that he is experiencing on the bus. She asks him if he believes that she will do something. IT IS A LOADED QUESTION. She doesn't want to know what he really thinks. She prompts him with other questions until she gets the answer she wants. It's one of the worst examples of an administrator not listening to a student. As I watched the interaction I realized how commonplace conversations like this are. It made me realize how I can't wait for my kid to start talking, so I can listen.
A few weeks ago I wrote a post on a parenting forum defending public schools. As I watched Bully I wasn't at all surprised by actions and attitudes of the administrators, but saddened. I realized what conflicting and contradictory opinions I hold. On the one hand I absolutely know that everything this movie shows is only the tip of the iceberg. On the other, I believe in free public education. I believe that all children deserve a "free and appropriate" education. I believe that public schools are the places where neighborhoods coalesce, where children learn how to interact with people different from themselves, where communities unite. I'm still working out how to sit with these conflicting ideas.
In early 2010 I was substituting for a high school teacher. I was actually in the middle of a long term sub job at an elementary school, but being short subs that day I was pulled to the high school. Maybe it was for a reason. It just happened to be diversity day. Along with about 100 high school teachers and maybe 15 or so staff I watched a presentation that included a great deal of audience participation. The topic was bullying and the question was put to the students of how to stop it. Many of the students' comments echoed the sentiment that bullied children need to learn to stand up for themselves (this theme was echoed in the movie by a child's parent). It was nerve wracking, but I stood up in front of all these teenagers and adults, basically a stranger to everyone, and said the following:
Imagine an abused kid. Someone who's parents don't support them, don't tell them they love them, don't make them feel important. Someone who is basically taught that they are worthless from the people who are supposed to love them the most. Imagine the lessons that this kid has learned at home. Now imagine this kid out in the world. How are they supposed to stand up for themselves? It's easier to do when you believe that you are loved and important. What about someone who never learned that? And the thing is that these kids are frequently the target. It's exactly because of the differences in that kid's life that they are targeted for bullying."
This story is anti-climactic. After I said my piece I sat down, nervous and sweating. There was a pause before the next person spoke, but the assembly went on. I don't remember much more of it, but I hope that something I did that day made a difference. Perhaps I expanded a few kids' minds that day. I hope so. I'm going to go hug my own kid now.
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