Tuesday, May 7, 2013
To out or not?
I may not appear an obvious lesbian, but if you talk to me I will out myself within 5 minutes. It's usually because of the important role that my wife plays in my life. There are some instances, however, in which coming out just seems a lot more trouble than it's worth. These are always brief exchanges with strangers, who make assumptions. Today, for instance, at the post office a woman commenting on Calvin's size asked if my husband was a large man. I responded in the affirmative because the sperm donor is 6'2". I feel completely comfortable avoiding the truth in these situations. I'm not denying myself or ashamed of being gay, I just didn't feel like getting into it. The thing is that soon Calvin is going to start to understand. What is he going to think? Will he think I'm ashamed of our family? What message will he internalize by watching these interactions? The idea of having to explain our lives to everyone who makes a mistaken assumption is exhausting and intimidating, but I would never want Calvin to think for a second that I am anything other than 100% proud of us. On the flip side, I also want him to learn that he doesn't have to volunteer any information that he doesn't want to and that he shouldn't give out a lot of personal information to strangers. I hope that when the time comes I will know what to do and how to explain it to him.
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I find there are often workarounds that are technically true but don't open the can of worms. Like "Yes, his father was 6'2"." But I do also sometimes just let things slide like that. Just like I don't bother to correct people who get my kids' genders wrong. (I figure this is telling them it's no big deal. I'm interested that Molly recently took it upon herself to correct someone when I didn't. But I digress.)
ReplyDeleteI figure Calvin will have so many obvious examples of your being proud of your family that that won't be a great concern. But probably worth an explicit, if not particularly belabored, explanation.
Something I've learned through interacting with the press is that you can choose to give a response that is related to what they've asked, but doesn't necessarily answer their exact question. For example, in this case, you could talk about his size, but ignore the husband part of the question. You could say, "I know, he's so big now, it's hard to believe he was only six pounds when born..." or, "He's going through a crazy growth spurt right now, I can't believe how big he's getting..." or some other general comment about his size, that steers the conversation away from the dad question. Strangers are usually just trying to make conversation, and don't really care about specifics, so it's not like they're going to call you out on dodging the exact question.
ReplyDeleteYour instincts are right on, mother. Keep on doing a superb job.
ReplyDeleteOoh, I love Jess's suggestion! It's so true! It's so frustrating that you even have to deal with this dilemma, but I have no doubt that you will navigate it well and convey to Calvin that his having two loving parents is something for which he can be grateful and proud.
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