Bully

Today I watched Bully. I wanted to see it in the theatre when it was first released, but with a toddler going out to the movies is something that just doesn't happen anymore. Going into it I was expecting to watch this documentary from a teacher and activist perspective. After all, I spent much of the 2011-2012 school year visiting Brattleboro schools, talking and exchanging emails with teachers about LGBT issues in school. Instead, I watched the movie as a parent. And I cried throughout, not just cried, I sobbed.

In one exchange our hero, Alex, is sitting in the office of an administrator who promises to do something about the bullying that he is experiencing on the bus. She asks him if he believes that she will do something. IT IS A LOADED QUESTION. She doesn't want to know what he really thinks. She prompts him with other questions until she gets the answer she wants. It's one of the worst examples of an administrator not listening to a student. As I watched the interaction I realized how commonplace conversations like this are. It made me realize how I can't wait for my kid to start talking, so I can listen.

A few weeks ago I wrote a post on a parenting forum defending public schools. As I watched Bully I wasn't at all surprised by actions and attitudes of the administrators, but saddened. I realized what conflicting and contradictory opinions I hold. On the one hand I absolutely know that everything this movie shows is only the tip of the iceberg. On the other, I believe in free public education. I believe that all children deserve a "free and appropriate" education. I believe that public schools are the places where neighborhoods coalesce, where children learn how to interact with people different from themselves, where communities unite. I'm still working out how to sit with these conflicting ideas.

In early 2010 I was substituting for a high school teacher. I was actually in the middle of a long term sub job at an elementary school, but being short subs that day I was pulled to the high school. Maybe it was for a reason. It just happened to be diversity day. Along with about 100 high school teachers and maybe 15 or so staff I watched a presentation that included a great deal of audience participation. The topic was bullying and the question was put to the students of how to stop it. Many of the students' comments echoed the sentiment that bullied children need to learn to stand up for themselves (this theme was echoed in the movie by a child's parent). It was nerve wracking, but I stood up in front of all these teenagers and adults, basically a stranger to everyone, and said the following:

Imagine an abused kid. Someone who's parents don't support them, don't tell them they love them, don't make them feel important. Someone who is basically taught that they are worthless from the people who are supposed to love them the most. Imagine the lessons that this kid has learned at home. Now imagine this kid out in the world. How are they supposed to stand up for themselves? It's easier to do when you believe that you are loved and important. What about someone who never learned that? And the thing is that these kids are frequently the target. It's exactly because of the differences in that kid's life that they are targeted for bullying."

This story is anti-climactic. After I said my piece I sat down, nervous and sweating. There was a pause before the next person spoke, but the assembly went on. I don't remember much more of it, but I hope that something I did that day made a difference. Perhaps I expanded a few kids' minds that day. I hope so. I'm going to go hug my own kid now.